Sacred Exploration

THE GIFT OF THE SELFISH LOVER

It’s one of the ironies of life that you can't be a generous lover until you've mastered
the art of being authentically selfish.

You can probably guess that I don’t mean not caring about the other person’s experience, or always expecting your desires to be met. Authentic selfishness means that you know what you want, you ask for it, and you respect the answers you get. But those things are required just to be a decent, ordinary lover! What about becoming a sensual, creative, generous lover?

What I’m talking about is a well-developed awareness of your own sensations, your own desires and impulses, your own responses, your own spontaneity. Only when you are well aware of your own sensations and desires, can you be attentive to anyone else’s.

And why is that? Because everything you know about the other person’s state at any moment is through the medium of your own senses. With your eyes you see the expression on their face and the way they move. With your skin you feel the texture of their skin and the state of relaxation or tension in their touch. In the simple act of holding hands, it’s the nerves endings in your hand that send the signals up to your brain, telling you what their hand feels like.

So – the better you notice your own senses, the more you will be able to “sense” your partner. That’s what makes a great lover! (Well, one thing anyway) Cultivating an honest selfishness is the path to a deeper self-awareness. And self-awareness is what allows you to play with each other with spontaneous freedom and delight. That is, it allows the spontaneous freedom and delight to arise from within you and express itself, quite naturally.

Great! Lovely! So how does one learn this amazing state of sensory awareness?

Please let me introduce my favorite – the 3 Minute Game. I use this game with every single person I work with, and every time, people make discoveries that surprise them. And very often, they tell me later what a change it made in their intimate relationships.

This version is for two people. Simply decide who is A and who is B, and ask each other the questions. It is NOT necessary that the two people are lovers or even the gender that they are usually sexually attracted to. You’re not going to get married, or even make out. You’re just going to play a game!

After I tell you the rules, I’m going to describe it in considerable detail, so you can get the most out of it. Don’t let its simplicity fool you.

THE RULES

1. Ask the questions and answer the questions exactly.
2. Be completely selfish.
3. Do not attempt mind-reading.

THE QUESTIONS

1. A asks B: What would you like me to do to you for 3 minutes?

2. B asks A: What would you like me to do to you for 3 minutes?

3. B asks A: What would you like to do to me for 3 minutes?

4. A asks B: What would you like to do to me for 3 minutes?

THE DESCRIPTIONS

1. A asks B: What would you like me to do to you for 3 minutes?

Remember, Person B – your job is to be selfish!!

Here are some common ways people avoid being selfish:

Saying “Oh, gee, I don’t know, Do whatever you want.”
Thinking “Gosh, I know he likes my hair so I’ll ask for a head massage, because he would like that.”
Thinking “I’d like to have my head rubbed, but he might think that’s weird, so I’ll ask for my shoulders rubbed instead”.
Thinking “I want to lie down for my foot rub but I’m worried that then she might have to bend over and it will hurt her back”.
Asking for your feet to be stroked lightly and then the person proceeds to massage them deeply, but you don’t correct them because you don’t want them to feel embarrassed.

Here are some examples of ways to be selfish:

Thinking “In order to reach my feet, she’s going to have to figure out how to make herself comfortable, but I trust she’s smart enough to do that.”
Thinking “This feels strange to me, because I’m not used to it, but I’m going to try it anyway”.
Saying “I would like you to sit behind me and stroke my hair very lightly with your finger tips, and then run your fingers all the way through to the ends of it.”
Saying “That feels great. Now I’d like you to do the same thing but with less pressure.”
Saying “You’ve got the right place, but I want it lighter and slower. Slower still. Even slower. Re-e-eally slow.”

Can’t think of what to ask for? Take your time! Many of us are not used to thinking this way, and it may take a bit of practice!

Here are a few fun things to ask for:

Stroke the insides of my forearms really lightly.
Scratch my head.
Tell me some things you admire about my life.
Feed me ice cream from the pretty bowl in the cabinet.
Hold me in your arms and sing me a lullaby.
Run your hands gently down the contours of my body while I slow dance to my favorite song.

Person A – your job is also to be selfish!

That means to truly consider whether you are willing to do what this person has asked you to do. This is not the time for great personal sacrifice! It also means taking care of your own comfort, like getting in a position that works for you. And you will notice that when you take care of yourself by being honest, you are able to be much more generous. It’s hard to generously give a good massage if you’re scrunched up and turned around. Even for 3 minutes.

Here are some examples of yes’s and no’s:

Sure, you bet!
Hmmm…let me think for a moment. Yes, I can do that if I sit over here and you turn this way.
Sorry, I’m not willing to do that. Please make another choice.
I’m willing to rub your feet, but only if you keep your socks on. Would you like that, or would you rather choose something else?

When you’re done, please notice who says “Thank you”, and who says “You’re welcome”. The doer, no matter how much you might have enjoyed giving the requested action – say “You’re welcome!”

2. B asks A: What would you like me to do to you for 3 minutes?

Same guidelines as above!

3. B asks A: What would you like to do to me for 3 minutes?

Whoa! What the heck does that mean?

It does NOT mean – of all the things you think I would enjoy, which do you most feel like giving me?

It does mean – what would you like to do to my body that will give you pleasure in doing it? In other words, it means what it says!

In the previous question, the doing was for the pleasure of the do-ee. In this question, the doing is for the pleasure of the do-er. This is very important! It’s also often the most challenging part of the game. Take the time to allow your desires to make themselves known. Yes, it gets easier with practice.

A note on language - when you are doing something for your own pleasure, it’s not allowed to offer a massage. A massage is for the benefit of the recipient. If it’s for your own pleasure, it’s called feeling – I’d like to feel your back, or stroke your back, or explore your back, or smell your back, or taste your back, or rub the top of my head around your back, not massage your back. Be honest!

Person A – Remember the selfish rule!

Here are some examples

I’d like to feel the shape and texture of your hands.
I’d like to play with your hair.
I’d like to sniff and rub my lips lightly around your neck and ears.
I’d like to lift you up in my arms and lay you over my shoulder and carry you around.
I’d like to take your hands and use the backs of them to stroke my face.
I’d like to put my ear against your chest and listen while you hum “Over the Rainbow”.
Nothing. I would not like to touch you in any way. I would like to look at you while you stand over there.

Person B – guess what – be selfish!

Be honest about what you are willing to allow the other person to do. That includes changing your mind and placing limits. You are also allowed to enjoy it, but please do so quietly so as not to distract the other’s attention. This is for them to practice noticing their own pleasure!

Here are some examples of ways to be honest:

Sure, you bet!
Yes, you can stroke my neck, but please don’t touch my ears.
Yes, you can feel my arms, but I’m very ticklish inside my elbow, so please use firm contact when you are in that area.
No, that doesn’t work for me. What else would you like?
That’s been fine so far, but I’ve changed my mind. Please stop what you’re doing and ask for something else.
That’s been fine so far, but it’s beginning to tickle. Please use firmer pressure or move a little lower.
You asked to stroke my arm but now you’re moving on to my shoulder. I didn’t agree to that. Please stay on my arm.

4. A asks B: What would you like to do to me for 3 minutes?

Again, same guidelines as above.

SOME VERY IMPORTANT THINGS TO NOTICE

Who is the pleasure for in each instance? Chances are, you already have in your life plenty of places in which it’s not so clear. This is a chance to be impeccable in who is doing what for whose pleasure. And follow it up with the appropriate thank you’s and you’re welcome’s. No matter how much you enjoyed giving what the other person asked for, avoid the temptation to say, “Oh, thank YOU!” Be honest and say “You’re welcome”.

If you can’t honestly say thank you when you did something for your own pleasure, then you must ask yourself if you were really doing what you wanted instead of sliding over into what you thought the other might want.

What about gender? You might notice that it can be more or less challenging for you, depending on the gender of the person you’re playing with. A good thing to notice! A good thing to question in yourself! Why is it easier, if you’re a straight man, to be curious and want to feel a woman’s hair than a man’s hair? I’m not asking you to jump off a cliff here, but do invite you to stretch a bit, and notice your experience.

For extra credit – When the person being touched gives further instructions – go lighter, slower, etc – the one receiving the feedback say “Thank you” and the one who spoke say “You’re welcome”. What do you notice about the dynamic?

VARIATIONS

For 3 people – Two people ask the third, what he or she would like them both to do, at the same time. Of course, all 3 get turns.Then one person asks what the other two would like to do to him or her, at the same time. Getting access to different areas of the body can sometimes require a little negotiating.

For lovers – Obviously, the menu of options for asking can expand. Nevertheless, I highly recommend playing several rounds of this game with an agreement to exclude sexual touch. You’ll find that your skills of awareness and trust go way up. Then add the sexual options later. And I’m sure it won’t take you long to notice that it might be nice to expand to 30 minutes or 3 hours!

For children – A great family game! Kids love exploring you, and love being touched in ways that they want! Of course simply remember to be gentle and respect little ones’ boundaries.

Paint the house – If you’re really brave, try extending the game to your family chores. Simply change the “do to me” to “do for me”, and the time to – whatever you dare!